Dear Sharmaji,

Tenhooooo! Tenhoooooo!

(That’s hello in peaspeak).

My name is Mayur. Which, in Hindi, means a ‘Peacock’ and that makes me an expert on this species, even though I’ve had biology only till 12th standard.

Anyway, since I’m the name bearer of our fantastic species of fowl, I was called by EPIC – the Emergency Peafowl Intervention Council for a meeting, after your statement to the press that Peacocks are celibate and they never have sex.

There was a lot of flutter at EPIC. Your video clip was shown, where you said that peahens get impregnated with peacocks’ tears, causing ripples of laughter all around. But after we gathered the peahens who were FOTBL (falling off the branches laughing), we got down to serious business about educating you, the human media and the other humans who might be as uninformed about our sex life as you are. So as an official name bearer I was asked to issue the following statements:

We do have sex. Proper penetrative sex. In fact what you human males fondly call your sex organ is a shortened form of the word ‘peacock’. Ages back your ancestors consulted us and we told them realistically, most of you should call your organs ‘pea’ but they stuck with ‘cock’. Anyway, we are the original peacocks and we do everything and more with our ‘peas’ if you know what I mean.

Calling us celibate is an insult, Sir! Take that back! It’s not that we hide our sexuality or are ashamed of it like you humans. We do it openly but you humans are shy of it and propagate things like ‘Jungle mein Mor ne sex kiya, kisney dekha?’  But we assure you. We are exhibitionists. You’d gather that from our feathers, right? Come to the jungles and see us doing it. If it’s too much to ask for then just see this SEXTAPE that I made with another consenting adult female. It has some of my coolest new moves and you’ll like it, I promise. Mature content – please put your headphones.

As you’ve seen in the video, we like sex. In fact, we are polygamous. Which means a peacock can have sexual relationships with more than one peahen. In fact, all of us do. Our ancestors were told to pick a peahen for marriage and they were like ‘Ek se mera kya hoga?’ Polygamy is a wonderful concept if there is enough honesty and integrity within the multiple relationships that one has. Unfortunately for you humans, it will never work. Because you cannot be even honest about the size of your peas or cocks or whatever you call them. In the entire world, India is the only country where polygamy is legal only for one community – Muslims. (All the other countries either have a polygamous for all or for none – it doesn’t become right or wrong for you just because of which God you pray to. But logic and Indian laws are still not best friends.) I know you’ll cook me for dinner if I didn’t back my claim with research. So here’s a link to the map of polygamy legal status across the world as per Wikipedia page on ‘Polygamy’.

See the map?

Only country marked in green is India. And green is the color of Muslims, you know that. But we would like to disassociate ourselves from any religion because frankly, while we like the polygamy part of Islam, we just can’t peck our heads through the Hijab and the Triple Talaq.

So please don’t make us Hindu or Muslim. Just let us be secular national birds for the secular socialist democratic republic of India that have wild penetrative sex like almost all of the creatures on our wonderful planet do.

Thank you for listening, Sharmaji.

Please share this letter with all Indians so that your newfound wisdom gets the appreciation it deserves and you become the most…

Oh! Wow! I just heard a thunder!  I can see some dark clouds! As you know, this means I’m getting laid. Not shedding tears. I’m gonna shed my seed. Inside of a peahen! Proper penetrative sex! Wish you were here to see it.

Tenhooooo from,

Mayur Puri.

(A peacock’s soul in a Human body)

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