Ek chutki sindoor ki keemat… tum kya jaano Ramesh babu. Ishwar ka aashirwaad hota hai… Ek chukti sindoor. Suhaagan ke sar ka taaj hota hai… Ek chutki sindoor. Har aurat ka khwaab hota hai… Ek… chutki… sindoor.

Itni shiddat se maine tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai… ki har zarre ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai. Kehte hain, agar kisi cheez ko purey dil se chaho to saari kayanat ussey tumse milane ko koshish mein lag jaati hai. Aap logo ne mujhe meri chahat se milaya. Thanks. Thanks very much. I feel like the King of the world. Aur aaj is baat ka bhi yakeen ho gaya ki humari filmon ki tarah, humari zindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuchh theek hi ho jaata hai. Happys Ending. Aur agar theek naa ho to woh ‘The End’ nahi hai. Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!. Picture abhi baaki hai.

Main hero banuga naa? Kyun nahi hero banega? Tu zaroor hero banega.
Maa bhi yehi kehti hai – Main zaroor hero banuga.
Abey! Keshto Mukherjee ki maa bhi yehi kehti hogi. Maaon ke to dil hi kuchh aise hote hai, yaar. Lekin tu hero banega, re. Kyunki main Pappu master tujhse keh raha hoon ki tu hero banega. Kya nahi hai tere paas – style, hairstyle, grace, face, koot koot ke bhara hua talent hai.

Nahiiiiiiin. Hey Bhagwaan! Ye main kya sunn rahi hoon, mere kalejey ka tukda, mera Om apna naam badalna chahta hai. Main poochhti hoon aakhir kya burayi hai iss naam mein. Om bol ke hum bhagwaan ko yaad karte hai, Prakash bolke hum andhera dur bhagate hai…
Aur Makhija… Makhija bol ke hum makkhi udate hai Maa makkhi.

Shanti, tum theek ho naa. All wells? Tum to jaanti ho naa ki main baar baar tumhare pass kyun aata hoon. Kyunki, tum hi meri himmat ho. Mera honsla ho, mera khwaab ho. Mera raasta hi tum, meri manzil bhi tum. Aye! Tum kahin bore to nahi ho rahi naa? Thanks.

Om, tu aa gaya beta? Kitni der laga di. Main to darr hi gayi thi.
Oh ho! Meri filmy Maa. Ismein darne ki kya baat hai. Chahe kitni bhi der ho jaaye, ghar to aaunga hi naa… tere paas.

Assistant saab. Zara pata karna hai ki scene kya hai aur mere dialogue kya hai?
Scene ye hai ki yahaan pe kheton mein aag lagi hai.
Actions!
Aur tumhara dialogue hai: Bhago.
Bhago!
Assistant saab, assistant saab – Bhago. Bada piddi dialogue hai.
Piddi? Maine likha hai.
Arrey, waah waah! Kya likha hai! Mujhe to lagta hai Sir, hall mein seatein fatt jaayengi.

Mukeshji to kamaal hai haan, kaaka.
Kya personality hai, haan.
Haan yaar, ekdum dhainchik. Ye hero kyun nahi bann jaate? Talls bhi hai.
Smarty pant.

Of course, hum teen tho camera lagaya hai. Ek tho Satyajeet Ray angle, Ek Vimal Daa Angle aur ek Gurudutt angle – Ekdum shadow.
Ek Manmohan Desai angle lagaana. Wahi kaam aayega.

You shotgun? Me quickgun Murugun. Naa ramba, naan-illayi rakkhi atti patti katti. Muniyadaar muniyadaar muniyadaar… Yenna Raskala. Thoo die. Mind it!

My spot. My ‘on the spot’.

Chaar baar marne waale ko itna khush main pehli baar dekh rahi hoon.

Kuttey kaminey, bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod de.
Agar bhagwaan ke liye tujhe chhod denge, to hum kya karenge?

Main khush hoon… kyunki tum khush ho. Lekin wo Mehra saab se zaroor keh dena ki iss baar maine unhein chhod diya, sirf tumhari khatir. Agli baar phir kisi janam mein mujhse phir paala pad gaya naa to muniyadaar muniyaadar… Yenna Raskalaa. Mind it. Tum bore to nahi ho rahi naa? Thanks.

Yahaan se guests phoolon ki chaadar par chal ke aayenge aur yahaan ek chaalis-piece ka orchestra hoga, jo sirf tumhare favourite gaaney bajaayega aur yahaan ek badaa saa fountain jisse paani nahi champagne bahegi. Aur yahaan iss shaandar jhoomar taley humari shaadi ka mandap hoga jahaan hum agni ko saakshi maan kar sab ke saamne shaadi karenge.

Pappa, chaar waagi gaya. Hero kya re aavse?
Manne to attack aavsa.

Aag ka darr? Pappa manne su khabar?

Dhoondhne par to bhagwaan bhi mil jaate hai, mujhe lagta hai tumne poore mann se nahi dhoondha Mike.

Main nahi believe karungi, Om? Pachaas maley ki building se jab tum koodte ho, main believe karti hoon. Sau gundon ko akele maarke heroine ko bachate ho, main wo bhi believe karti hoon. Hawa mein udte ho, paani pe daudte ho, ye sab main believe karti hoon, Om. Phir tumne kaise soch liya main ye believe nahi karungi?

It’s called the circle of life, Mike. Jo kahaani jahaan adhoori chhoot jaaye, usse ussi jagah se shuru karna chahiye.

Sir, as you see sir ye climax ka scene hai. Ismein apni heroine Natasha ki shaadi… Dhain dhain… Villain Ranvir ke saath ho rahi hai. Sir – Raj, yaani aapka dil toot raha hai. Wo heroine se kehna chahta hai ki: Natasha, main tumse bahot pyar karta hoon. Lekin sir, wo keh nahi sakta.
Kyun? Main goonga hoon kya?
Correct Sir. Maa ka death scene yaad hai?
Picture mein maa bhi hai?
Sir, maa ke death scene mein aap itni zor se boomp maarte hai Maa… ki aapki aawaz hi chali jaati hai. Sir, yahaan pe aap aakhri baar, aakhri baar Natasha ko dekhna chahte hai lekin sir dekh bhi nahi sakte.
Kyun? Kyun? Kyun?
Kyunki, sir aap andhe bhi hai.
Oh! Main andha bhi hoon. I see.
No, Sir! You don’t.
I don’t.
Background mein gaana start, mandap se aapka jaana start. Natasha aapko mudd ke dekhti hai aur…
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Natasha mujhe dekhti hai. Natasha to andhi hai.
Nahi sir, andhe to aap hai.
Uhuh! Main to goonga tha.
Sir aap goongey bhi hai, andhe bhi hai aur wo jab Natasha aisa bolti hai naa ki: Ruk jaao, Raj. Tab aap nahi rukhte, Sir. Kyunki iss picture mein aap behrey bhi hai. Background mein shaadi aur foreground mein aap aur aapke dil ki aawaaz.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’m angry now. Aawaaz. One second. Natasha main to chahta hoon, tumhe mandap se utha ke le jaaon lekin main majboor hoon. Main wheelchair se uth nahi sakta aur mere do no haath bhi katt chuke hai.
Katt Sir, Gone.
Is film mein, iss hero ka koi body part working order mein hai yaa nahi.
Hai naa, Sir. As you see, iska dard bhara dil.
Dil mein dard nahi hoga, Sar mein dard hoga ye picture dekh kar. Ye film ko critical acclaim milega, awards milenge. Lekin ek baat bata doon – Ye film flop hai. This film is gone. You are dead, old man. Unless, I think of something, as usual. Iss situation mein dard ko express karne ke liye yahaan par ek item song hona chahiye. Dard ki koi qawali, nahi qawali to main kar chukka hoon. Dard ka rock-n-roll – done to death. Dard bhara… Disco.
Sir, haath paaon aankh kaan muh nahi hai jisko kaise karega wo disco?
Dream sequence. OK kuchh bhi kar sakta hai. Aur idhar aao, tumhari ye jo heroine hai bahot thakeli hai. Tumhari girlfriend hai?
Nahi Sir, Pappa ki.