Duniya mein do tarah ke log hotey hai – Winners and Losers. Lekin zindagi har loser ko wo ek mauka zaroor deti hai jismein wo winner bann sakta hai.
Ye kahani duniya ki sabse badi chori ki hai. It was all about a handful of diamonds.
Ijhi lagta hai Mohini ka Dence? Ijhi nahi hai. Duniya mein Doich log kar sakta hai malum? Ek JLO ani Ek Shakira! Bas! Akkha India mein Mohini maafik dencer nahin milega, samjha?
Mohini ke baarey mein do baat to batana hi bhool gaya: 1. Mohini luhrves the English! And 2. Mohini can’t the speak the English!
Nandu Bhide – dimaag mein keeday.
Now you watching me speaking Inglis. Inglis Inglis Inglis Inglis Inglis Inglis.
Maadar… Chhod naa yaar.
Kismat badi kutti cheez hai, saali kabhi bhi palat jaati hai.
Haaro to haaro, ijjat mat utaro.
Ye to sirf trailer hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.
Duniya mein do tarah ke log hotey hai – Winners and Losers. Lekin zindagi har loser ko wo ek mauka zaroor deti hai jismein wo winner bann sakta hai. Aur ye to sirf aadhi jeet hai… Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.
Arrey paidal akkal! Mohini idhar kilub mein aisaich dence karney nahin aati! Paisa kamana hai aur khudka school kholna hai. Bachchon ko dence sikhayegi.
Ussey kya milenga?
Wohi jo idhar koi chhokri ko nahin milta… IJJAT! Mummy bolti thi, jindagi mein sabse impotent cheej hai ijjat! Ijjatwala dence aise nahin hota! Dence ek pooja hai. Dence ek aat hai aat!
To apun kab bola nau hai!
Haila! Inglis boltai?
Yes Yes! Full inglis… Charlie! Apun ka friends hai.
Charlie! Isko bhi sikney ka hai?
Isko to sabse pehlla sikney ka hai. Yeich to Team ka Kepten hai.
Address sms kar. Subah nau baje aati hai main.
Ei tu maan gayi? Thenkyou Mohini…
Charlie! Naam bhi inglis!
Arrey! Tere haathon pe nahi likha to kya hua, lekin yahaan sab ko maaloom tera baap chor tha.
Badi badi fights mein aisi chhoti chhoti maar to lagti rehti hai.
Kaun kambakht bardaasht karne to pit-ta hai. Hum to pit-te hai ki roz yahaan aa sakein, maar kha sakein, bhaav gira sakein.
Log dekh rahe hai, thodi shiddat se koshish kar.
Fikar mat karo, Main Hoon Naa!
Main Charlie. Poora naam Chandramohan Manohar Sharma. Boston University ka topper. Par kismet se loser. Mere liye iss shehar mein imaandari se paise kamaana mushkil hi nahi naamumkin ho chuka tha.
Mughal virasat se nau priceless heerey bikau kaise ho sakte hai?
Sarhad pe sipahi apni jaan dete hai, ye apna kaan de ke aaya tha.
Jag ke bare mein do baatein jaan lena zaroori hai. Ek:Jag apni Maa ki POOJA karta hai. Aur do:Jag ko gussa tabhi aata hai, jab koi uski Maa ko gaali deta hai.
Tammy ke barey mein do baatein bata dun. Ek:Tammy apney batwey mein ek poori supermarket lekar ghoomta hai. Aur do:Is batwey mein paisey ke alawa sab kuchh hota hai!
I told you this fatso is good for nothing!
Ai Gendey! Fatso kisko bola?
Tereko aur kisko!
Ai! Behram Genda! Tere kaan ka neechey aisa clip dega ki tu mono se mute ho jayega!
Abhi bhi bol raha hun. Jadiye ko lena zaroori hai? Hum dono kaafi nahin hai kya?
Waise to hum teen bhi kaafi nahin hain.
Kyun IPL team banani hai?
Facebook pe Rohan ki 600 friends they lekin real life mein ek bhi nahin. Kyunki ladkiyon ko IQ nahin CQ nahin. Cool Quotient.
Come to Mamma, honey.
Kya Bola?
Bola, teri Mamma Horny.
Maataji ko horny bola.
Saala, bahot dangerous jagaah hai. Aadmi shanti se kha bhi nahi sakta hai. Kya nikla? Kya nikla? Aaaah! Pineapple Cake. I’m gonna have my cake and eat it too.
Peter? Iss that you?
Peek-a-boo!
Girls! I present to you Vikki Grover urf Nandu Bhide.
Bhen ka takka, Double role!
Oh My God! Its like a movie!
Charlie, ye tereko mila kidar?
Pichhley saal Raamleela mein dekha tha. Hanuman ka role kar raha tha. Ek baar Raamleela dekhi aur lifetime ke liye prasad mil gaya!
Nandu ke baarey mein do baatein jaan lena zaroori hai. Ek:Wo kabhi bhi ulti kar sakta hai.
Kabhi bhi ‘palti’ kar sakta hai. Gymnast hai kya?
Charlie! No motivation. No crime!
Isko Junglee se gentleman kaun bananeyga? Sex change operation ke bare mein toh suna hai par ye species change ka koi operation nahin hota.
Team Diamonds! Ek full-time bevda. Ek sanki Jaadiya. Ek bhari-bandook sipahi. Aur ek badmash bachcha. Chun-chun ke maine jama kiye they ye… Charlie ke Charlie’s Angels!
Tchaila! Double Role? Same to Same! Color Xerox!
Tammy ka sachcha pyaar… Shailmar. 49 levers, 7 cycles, 145 tumblers…
As you can see, Shalimaar se aapkey heerey, mere alawa koi nahin nikal sakta. And trust me… I’m not a thief!
Shalimar Atlantis ke 150 feet zameen ke neechey hai. Yahin pe ek purana sewer bhi hai.
So-oar?
Sewer matlab gutter! Tera jaisa dirty Pig nahi!
Shalimar ki sabse badi weakness iska Ventilation hai.
Manjey?
Hawa.
Tight hai.
Kahaa naa Green room hai yaar.
Green hovey ki black hovey, apney ko color se kya lena dena? Apun log thodi naa Honeymoon manane jaa rahe hai?
Charlie boy, kya baat hai? Kya chhupa raha hai humse?
Dabbu DC, Dabbu DC, Dabbu DC. Ye bhen ka takka Dabbu DC hai kya?
WDC
Haan wahi. Kya hai?
Kaha na ek event hai – live performing event – Wordanchamship.
Excuse me… Ye to pehle se hi behra hai aur humney bhi theek se suna nahin…
Hum mein se kaun tujhe dancer dikhta hai?
Ye mota, ye bewadaa ya phir ye bachcha?
Apna naam kyun bhool gaya Jackson ki aulad?
Ai, Macmohan kisko bola?
Ye to hacking kar dega, lekin dance hum mein se – kisi se nahi hoga.
Hum mein se nahi. Tere se bol, Khalli.
Yaar apun ke duplicate ka photo to nikal do please. Khud ko marna achchha nahin lagta!
Isko to sabse zyada maarna hai. Maadar…
Chhod na Maamu!
Chhodna hi toh nahi hai. Poora balda lena hai.
Tu pehley kyun nahin bataya – tera puppa ka badla hai? Apun apna mummy ke liye aaya tu puppa ke liye – Saala, Hum dono ghum ka brothers hai! Brother, I puppy to you!
You can’t kiss me.
Aai shappath tu bahut kharaab ho! Bahut kharaab ho. Flashback mein jakey senti karate ho! Phir ek puppy bhi nahi.
Chup be! Yahan competition ka itna tension hai aur tereko puppy dene ka hai…
Tension to hogaich na! Tum log sab galat seekh rahey ho! Dence kya aisa hota hai? 1,2,3,4… Bhendi… Dance automajic hotai automajic. Apun leke aayega tum logo ke liye dence ka teacher. Chalo Charliebhai.
Don’t touch me! Kahaan jaa rahe hai?
Jahaan halak mein ho Mossammi. Man mein ho Masti aur saamney ho –
Mohini… Mohini… Mohini… Mohini… Mohini…
Baat ye nahin hai ki wo kaun hai, kaisi hai aur kya karti hai. Baat ye hai ki wo humarey liye kya hai? Aur humarey liye wo bas ek teacher hai! Jo 9 baje wo aayegi aur 6 baje tak rehearsal karwayegi. That’s it. Aur 9 aur 6 ke beech – hum ye bhool jayengey ki wo kya hai…
Yes, Yes Jag. Main jaanta hoon wo kya hai. Wo ek bar dancer hai! Jo chhotey chhotey nangu pangu kapdey pehanti hai. Thodey se paison ke liye gair mardon ke samney roz naachti hai! Par pata hai baat kya hai?
Humein uski life se koi lena dena nahin. Wo chahey kitni hi bazaru aurat ho. Wo humari guru hai! Uski respect karna zaroori hai. And specially you Nandu. Tum bhi toh uski tarah cheap ho.
And it’s alright. Wo bazaar aurat hai, cheap hai, vulgar hai. I mean tacky hai but jo hai so hai.
You understand Rohan baat kya hai?
Baat ye hai Charliebhaiya ki wo peechhey khadi hai!!
Anjan bevdon ke saamney to Mohini do saal se naachti hai… Lekin aaj se pehley itna cheap kisi ne nahi pheel karwaya! Thenks haan!
Charliebhai, Inglis me sorry bolna!
I apologize. I’m very very sorry. Actually kya hai, is group mein aap hi ek ladki hain.
Ladki nahi Aurat.
Exactly.
Bajaaru Aurat.
No, you heard this out of context. Main chahta tha ye idiots aapki izzat karey.
Wo kya ijjat karengey, jab tumich nai karte.
Main karta hoon. I repect you. I really respect you a lot.
Sachhi? Why? Why respek Mohini?
Because Mohiniji, you are such an exceptional dancer. Perhaps, the best in the world. When I saw you for the first time, I was mesmerized, hypnotized. The passion, the expression, the rhythm. The movement of the booty. Ehh! The beauty of your movement. And your big thighs… Ehh your Eyes. And your hips don’t lie. Mohiniji, you are simply breastaking… Breathtaking. Actually Mohiniji… Is team mein sab ke sab losers hain. Main bhi. Aur humein ye competition jeetna aur aapke bina ye ho nahi sakta. It’s not possible without you. Aap jaisa kahengi main waisa karne ko taiyaar hoon. Say anything but don’t say no…
Nau.
No no. Please don’t say no.
Nau…
No no
Arrey Nau baj gaye Nau – Nine! Regarsal ka tem ho gaya. Mohini hate lateness.
I promise you Mohiniji. Main kabhi nahi laitunga.
7 minute. 7 minute hain tumharey paas. Aaj istage pe kaise dence karna hai ye main tumko nahin batayengi!
Arrey! Aap nahi batayengi toh kaun batayega.
Dissturb not pliss.
Oh Okay! Sorry!
Kya maalum aaj ke baad… hum sab sath mein hoengey ki in hoengey… Aisa chhannas milenga ki ni milenga… Lekin aaj…
Isstandup Misster.
Aaj… aaj agar is team ka har dencer – apni jindagi ka besht dence kareinga naa – to aai shappath, ye 7 minute tumse koi nahi chheen sakta. Koi nahi. Gods bhi nahin! To jao aur khelo… I mean nacho… Aur yaad rakhna – Haaro to haaro – ijaat mat utaro!
Come on Boyzz!
Waah! Kitni original speech hai.
Ei Chili Chiken! Thambaar! India coming! You China. Me India.
Aloo Parata, Baigan Bartha, Rasmalai… Karela!
You… Manchurian, Chopsi, Hakka Noodle?
Ye Chinese nahin Korean hain!
Different khali nameich hai. Dikhtey saaley sameich hai.
You are extremely vulgar.
Party mein sirf hum chaaron jayengey. Nandu aur Mohini nahin chalenge.
Nandu nahi chalega to samajh mein aaya. Wahan Vikki Grover bhi hoga. Risky hai… But Mohini kyun nahin? Wo toh aa sakti hai na?
Baat ye nahin hai ki wo aa sakti hai ya nahin. Baat ye hai ki wo kis tarah se wahaan par aayegi. Wahi apne peeley- laal jhatak-matak kapdon mein pahonch jayegi. Ehhh. Wo ladki thodi hai, wo chalta-phirta item song hai!
Baat sirf ye bhi nahin Tammy ki wo kitni filmi hai! Baat hai wo kaise behave karti hai. Bolti kaise hai. Munh kholte hi ‘inglis’ ki mother-sister!
Ek minute. Wo Nandu agar Sangam chawl ka bevda hai but Mohini bhi Chhamiya bar ki dancer hi hai na! Kya phudak raha hai? Baat kya hai?
Baat ye hai ki wo phir se aapke peechchey khadi hai!
Shucks!
Achchha? Main bevda? Ye dancer? Aur tum log kya? Hi-fi?
To wrong kya bola, re? Tu bevda hai. Main bar-dancer hun. Aur Charlie team ka kepten hai. Wo jo bolega woich hoga naa. Now go. Go to your room and slip! SLIP! Ani kal Practice at 9! Saap!
Thank God bevdey ko nahin laye. Warna bolta…
Haila! Saala. Same to same – sala color xerox!
Nandu, tum yahaan kya kar rahe ho? Maine bola tha kamrey se baahar mat nikalna?
No Hindistaani! Suit Armani!
Ek thappad khani, Muh pe barah baj jaani.
Muffat ki daaru, pet mein utaru. Saath mein pakodey, kha bhenn ke…
Nandu! Shut up! Yahaan pe gaali galauj mat karo tum.
Nandu ko bhi naya kapda diya?
Jhakkas Nandu! Aah! Solid.
Jhakkasnandu?
Aajkal kya hai? Handsome, charming etc. purana ho gaya. Aajkal ladkiyan dudes ko ‘Nandu’ kehti hain! JhakkasNandu. Right, Jag?
Right. India mein dudes ko Nandu boltey hai. JhakkasNandu.
JhakkasNandu, How do you do?
How about a drink, darling?
Ingliss boltai. Chal.
JhakkasNandu. Very Funny Very Funny.
Olympic ke liye team ho ya Oscar ke liye film ho… India ko losers bhejney ki aadat hai.
I promise you Mr. Grover! Jitni khushi aapko humarey yahaan aaney se huyi hai, ussey kahin zyada dukh humare jaane pe hoga!
Dukh to iss baat ka hai ki 130 karod logon ka desh aur ye hai unko chune huye Indiawaaley.
Nandu ne kya fast kapda badli kiya! Ekdum Hero maafik.
Ulti karke pait ekdum mast ho jaata hai naa.
Ai! Dakarna band kar dirty pig. I told you is bevdey ko mat lao!
And I told you not to leave him alone. It’s all your fault!
What? My fault?
Tu kaiko aaya bevdey party mein?
Bakwas mat kar! Ek to mera dhyan nahin rakkha! Khulla chhod diya aur ab Charlie se jaban ladatai?
Ai! Zor se soch. Behram ko kuchh sunaayi nahi diya. Kuchh nahi.
Ai! Bakwas mat kar! Ek to mera dhyan nahin rakkha! Khulla chhod diya aur ab Charlie se jaban ladatai?
Charlie se toh main kabhi bhi zabaan ladaa sakti hoon.
You Shut up!
You pant down!
SHHHH! Guys! Itna zor se mat socho! Mohini sun legi!
Main Lovely ho gayiaan… Naam tera padh ke, padh ke, padh ke.
Is she getting fits?
Mohini! Tumhara floor aa gaya.
Oh ho! Itni jaldi. Jee chahta hai tumhe kha jaaun. Good nights!
Chh…
Not a word guys! Not a word!
Kitti baar bola – Seedha haath!
Arrey haath se kya farak padta hai – Hum haarneyich waley hain.
Farak padtaai! Haaro to haaro pann ijjat mat utaaro! Agar aaj Sapera dance kiya naa toh taang tod degi!
Aur Tammy Uncle! Rohan ko achchhey se lift karna!
Saarey lecture humarey liye. Charliebhaiya ko kuchh nahin?
Bolti hai naa.
Eskooz me!
Timing sambhal lena zara!
I feel bad for her! Hum mein se uski ko competition ki padi hai…
Jag, Focus!
Sorry Mohini! Tammy ko fits aa gaye, Nandu pagal ho gaya aur Maine to had hi kar di…. I’m sorry. Utar gayi izzat!
Nahin Charlie! Aaj hum haar bhi gaye to koi waanda nahi! You jitaoed sabka dil today!
Charliebhaiya, Ye lo 9C ki chabhi. Ek ghantey mein hum results ke liye udhar hi milte hai.
Ek ghantey baad kyun? Sab saath mein baithtey hain naa.
Mohini saath mein baithna chahti hai.
Bath mein nahi baith saktey.
Main Tammy ko iske Hotel room chhod ke aata raha hoon warna buddha tapak jaayega.
Main nahaa ke aata hai.
Nahaa ke? Tu? Kya shendi laga raha hai?
Actually, Mohini… Green room mujhe chahiye. Mohini, mujhe koi milne aa rahi hai… Laila!
Laila?
Allo Mr. Vikki! These eez securitty chiff Alfredo! Come urgently. Room 2205. Beautiful girl. Very pregnant. Calling you now!!
Who? What?
You coming? Or I call Daddy?
No no! Don’t call Dad! I’m coming!
6 mahiney nahin Rohan, 8 saal! 8 saal! 8 saal se seeney mein ye aag liye phir raha hun main! Jaagtey, sotey, khaatey, peetey, uthtey, baithtey – ki wo din kab aayega jab Charan Grover barbaad hoga! Aur aaj aaaath saaaaal baaaad… wo din aaya tha! Perfect day. Perfect plan. The Perfect everything! Hum yahan tak aa bhi gaye aur plan ke mutabik… 10 minute mein hum waapas India ja bhi rahey hongey. Bas… khali hath!
Chalo ek kaam karta hoon. Main hi bataa deta hoon. Main Charlie, the chor. In sabka baap! Jisney ye plan banaya! Kaun soch sakta hai ki 5 losers ek dance competition mein – dance karney nahin – karodon rupaye ke heerey churayenge! Mission Happy New Year! Aur humarey is mission ke liye agar tumhara chhhota sa, nanha sa, jaahil sa dil toot bhi jaaye hai to Mohiniji – to we are very sorry! Sorry Mohiniji… Sorry!!
Bolney se pehley idhar udhar dekhtaich nahin hai na kabhi? Bas shuru ho jata hai!
Mohini! Tumney ye sun hi liya hum yahaan kya kar rahe3 hai… lekin kyun kiya, ye nahin sunogi?
Aur phir maine Mohini ko poori kahani sunayi. Dad ki kahaani. Tammy, Jag, unki dosti aur Charan Grover se dushmani ki kahani…
Humein ek din mein maine apna sab kuchh kho diya aur us din jana ki – Kismat badi kutti cheez hai. Saali kabhi bhi palat jaati hai.
Aur tab se Charan Grover ki kismat badalna, meri life ka purpose ban gaya!
Bina roti ke insaan 4 haftey jee leta hai, bina pani ke 4 din, bina hawa ke shayad 4 minute. Lekin bina umeed ke? Insaan 4 second bhi nahin jee sakta!
Ye sirf ek chori nahin – mere Dad ka chautha hai. Jo maine aath saal se nahin kiya! Dad khud aasmaan se utarkar naa kahein to bhi… Main karunga!
Hey! I just got a killer Dejavu… you know Deja Vu, Right? Jab aisa lagta hai ki ye sab pehley bhi ho chuka hai…
Arrey kahaan hua? Try to maara tha lekin huaich nahin na.
Jaggu bhau, Jaggu Bhau! Mereko bacha lo. Mere se nahi hoyega. Wo jaadiye mereko maar denge.
Focus.
Manjey?
Jag, Nandu ko walkie-talkie do.
Hello! Kaun hai?
Main Charlie bol raha hoon.
Charliebhai mere se nahi hoga. Mere ko waapas bhej do. Main kachcha limbo hai. Mere se nahi hoga. Mere ko aayi ke paas jaana hai.
Nandu, tum akele nahi ho. Johnnybhai tumhare saath hai.
Johnny Lever?
Johnny Lever nahi. Johnnybhai. Apni pant ki jeb mein dekho.
Nandu Bhide, Dimaag mein keedey. Kahaan hai matki Charliebhai, Nandu fodega.
This is it, Tammy. Shalimar, sirf 150 feet neeche. Are you ready?
Pehle tu jaa.
Nahi Tammy. Tumne Titanic film dekhi hai?
Yes.
Usmein ek dialogue tha.
I’m the King of the world.
Nahi. Wo wala nahi. You jump. I jump.
Tu nanga kyun hai? Huh!
Tammy!
Nandu – Kachchha pehno. Panel band karo aur bahar jao. Let’s go.
Par ye nanga kyun hai?
Uski personal choice hai.
Alpha coded. 7 digits password.
Kya maa ki ankh kar rahe ho! Kanch tod ke heerey nikal lo na!
Shut Up Nandu! Ismein 7 akshar ka password dalna padega. Agar galat ho gaya toh alarm baj jayega.
Mummy bolti thi Jindagi sabse impotent cheej hai ijjat.
Tu jaa Rohan… Main nahin aa rahi!
Are you freakin’ nuts! Ab backout mat kar Mohini, tu bahut buri fans jayegi! It’s too late…
It ij too late, Rohan! It ij too late! Poori duniya ki ankhein aaj India pe hain aur India ka bharosa humpe. Aaj nahin nachey naa to humari nahin India ki ijjat utar jayegi! Haaro to haaro… Ijjat mat utaro!
Maine kaha tha naa – Duniya mein sirf do tarah ke log hotey hai. Winner and Losers. Aur zindagi ne humein wo ek mauka diya jismein hum poori duniya ka dil jeet kar winners bann gaye. Aur haan kismet. Kismat badi sahi cheez hai. Agar iraadon mein dum ho, to saali palat hi jaati hai.
Ice gaya…
Heerey gaye…
Itni mehnat ki…
Aur koi faayda nahin.
To kya hua? 10 lakh dollar ka cheque mila hai, kaafi nahin hai?
Grey market mein diamonds ka price 300 crores ka hai! 10 lakh dollar ka kya karengey?
Bada sa safe banayengey… Jisey hum bhi naa todd sakey. Akhir Heerey is trophy mein kab tak rahengey?
MAADAR…
Chhod naa yaar.
